I'm with ya

To all those without hope. To those that think about the beyond as a place that is far more tranquil. Or at least where the head you have now can start over. Can be fucked again through life's tender methods to do so. Make you this person longing for an end. I'm with ya, I don't think we have cause but that might just be upbringing talking. We choose our mortality with every passive breathe. We will struggle for it as nature intends but ultimately if it was just a switch many of us would have put it in the off position a long time ago. Long is relative too. 20 years can be your life or just half of it, maybe even a quarter. What I beckon is that experience what you can and give the world, no matter how shitty the view of it, something beautiful for someone else in their oddities to enjoy and take with them.

I don't condone suicide. However I don't damn it either. Do with your life what you please, but attain your full capability. Reach the height and step off there. Because even there I don't think we who think this way can ever be happy. We who can accept deciding our fate, even as not completely in our control as it is. The morning will come despite you, lack of you. World's have lived and died in your time, whether figuratively or actually. You are not the things you own but a reflection of the world you own. The actions and decisions you own. Maybe these have been satisfied, only you can tell you this. Only you can decide or call this off. Nothing should hold you. Even though something might. Something indefinable for me is.

Humbleness

I learned to be apologetic, not humble. Its the way seemingly my family has existed. That they will be accountable for their actions but brashly do whatever the fuck they want. Im only humble when it suits the deal being made before me. Its a tactic, not a facet. Its how I feel about lving in the south here in the USA, many humble people. All colors and creeds. I always feel like Im being put on by them as my gut reaction. In some ways I am, we are, because that humbleness is a facet of the same various blends of personalities I encounter doing said deals. In NY for the most part those blends bend towards greed and goals. In the south its self preservation and inclination. Similar but vastly different in practice. One more ferocious than another. Its a place I need to learn to relax in. But my Brooklyn fences are always up, built in baseball bats with a nice sauce as the mortar.

I talk about humbleness because I need to learn some part of it. As a tactic, but I need to turn my view away from that idea and make it a habit. I guess thats what school aligns your mind to do, be humble and absorb what is being served to you. Many things I learned in school I still keep with me even though I have since found out many parts of history and science was taught wrong or was a bold lie. Mostly history, my sciences teachers might just have been not the best of instructors. I dont know the next step, while I feel strong about stepping forward I also feel strong about stepping back and looking at the whole thing as a big picture. Im doing nothing now as a result of not knowing how to continue on. Nothing worth doing is easy. Those words have been haunting me. What seems easy now compared to what seems hard are both creazy roads with their own sets of outcomes and setbacks. Instincts must be trusted. Because really if you lost everything else but your instincts you could survive fairly well. For a while. But while I have my wit and my head I should use it. Should make it something that works with me instead of parallel. I always feel like I need to understand my own head. Like trying to figure out what went wrong in a car accident. Its all foggy what both parties were thinking or doing when the crash happened. But its clear something went wrong and results are now in effect.

Nothing worth doing is easy. Is doing nothing easy? Are we so numb to keep doing nothing for so long til it breaks us as people? Reappropriate goals and move around ideas til it fits the world we want to be in or passively live in. Im passive because I dont think I care. I dont care if my heart beats one more time or I take another breath. I have longed for both those things to stop many times. Begged for it. Low and behold Im still breathing, heart still beating. I have sensed these patterns before. Have done what I felt and feel was the right decision after I acknowledged these feelings. It has led to me making worse decisions being maybe alittle young to go forth with a good decision. Now Im not the same boy, well maybe I am, alittle more grown up and far less support. Ive kinda of always been an all or nothing type soul. Its much easier for me to choose with a gun to my head than not. But maybe thats all people, Id hope it is. That depression and all its got a hold of isnt stronger than you. However itd be an easy out having someone else decide your fate. You can always blame it on someone else and be partially correct. Better than having your own blood on your hands for eternity. I dont know whats keeps me here, I dont know anymore. Choices need to be made and actions need to be taken. But the first step is the hardest. Every first step is the hardest, you almost have to be cold to yourself. Know that you cause pain, you want the pain. To grow. Growing hurts. I need to start caring again. Start somewhere. From the beginning or from the end.

Rambling Engineering

The world is a place where when you have ideas flowing you must enact them or else you risk loss of your muse entirely. Seize plans and ideas like they were gold they can very well turn into.

I literally jumped off of this to do that a bit myself. Ended up reaching out to people I havent spoken to in a while. Which is good to do.

I feel alittle held up. Stagnant. Still yet constantly in flux. Destructive and unyielding flux.

Im peversely misunderstranding what this period of time is for. What its ultimate purpose will be. Before it was just holding me in place, this stagnation. But I blamed it on everything but myself. Now I blame myself and still nothing. What the fuck, really. Another day begins tomorrow. Another 24 hours of moments.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

Hackettmans guide to doing Europe like he should have

I would never want to deter someone from the right way to do something. This is why I'm writing this. The hackettman guide to traveling through Europe:

• if you pan to go to large cities and not do small traveling in between these cities in a period less than a whole month then throw the whole backpacking idea out the window. Most large cities have a large population that speaks English. Also every city has pretty much every amenity you can get here in the USA.
• having said that don't bring a giant backpack unless you plan to really hustle that thing to small cities between the big ones and plan to be a vagrant at least a few times. Otherwise you will not need the whole pack and can get away with something that rolls.
• liquid soap. Just bring enough liquid soap for two showers a day ( This I didn't do, I would have taken more showers if I had brought liquid soap)
• the euro rail pass is slightly worth it. Its a discount or rather a prepay for rail tickets. If you look up prices and plan accordingly then you don't need the euro rail shit.
• London is beautiful and england in general is a gorgeous country. But unless you fly there direct don't try to get there from anywhere in Europe. Its entirely too difficult and expensive. I could have flown from Paris to Amsterdam if I hadn't decided to go through London first. By bus and rail first and then bus to ferry after. Great experience but really not worth the money.
• Cinco de mayo in the USA is the Spanish 420 in Madrid at least. Don't know if its every year but when I was there jeez was it lovely.
• Museo de Jambon in Madrid. Friggin delicious and cheap.
• Most hostels strictly adhere to a quiet after dark policy. My drunk ass found that out.
•Don't be afraid of hostels
• An android tablet will get you through most anything. Netflix is not really international, bring movies digitally.
• While in Amsterdam definitely ask the koffee shop people about their product. Most are very helpful.
• weed is not legal in all of holland, its tolerated to a high degree. Smoke where ever just not like an asshole.
• shrooms totally tolerated as well. Don't let anyone tell you different.
•Eat everything. The junk food is still better for you there than it is here.
• Don't fear going alone. Sure its foreign and new. But as long as you're social and keep your wits about you well you should have a great trip. I went with someone, I wish I hadn't. Sure compromise put me on a different route which led me to a city I loved more than I thought but still I invited the person out of concern for myself, by the end of the trip we were barely traveling together. Any person can deal well in these places, unless you go to a known warzone you should be fine.
•Walking fucking shoes. Wrecked a pair of shoes that I wore the whole trip. They were not up to par for my need to wander.
•Wander, by all means wander.
• I would never tell anyone to do something illegal. But I got my swiss army knife through several checked bags through customs and my traveling companion got a leatherman through. Protect yourself and be prepared.

If anyone has questions leave them in the comments. I will be going back one day. For the food and site and ganja. Be well.

An art in itself

I think what I want to write about is loss. Death. Bereavement. Grief. Negativity. Pain. Truth. All of those things have a common place in my head. Because I let them. I realize full well that all of these feelings are avoidable. That with medication and counseling I could be rid of the way I've felt since I can remember feeling. It might be smarter that way. But I guess I lack the intelligence to back down from myself. I am rarely one to back down. I'm not hot headed but I'm also not afraid of anyone, anything.

I'm of the understanding now that without taking risk, gain is unachievable. Go forward without worry of the ground in which you tread. Don't head for trepidation or hope for pain but don't run at the first sight of trouble. Keep forging on as one who will not lose when losing teaches so much. Losing is almost the same as winning, hell it feels that way. Which is terrible. But terrible is reality. Or rather reality is mostly terrible. Not actively though, there are tent poles of terrible and lots of slopes between.

This is what death has done to me. If I really wasn't afraid I wouldn't have a need to create and want to do more. I'd just do it. Something I know nothing about is what I'm afraid of. Something I must not be able to place or want to maybe. Its me that's holding this all up, because even if its something else I don't think I'm actively looking for it. But maybe that's what I'm expressing. That after this whole thing I will feel better because I would have expressed something I felt at one point. Maybe the expense will be all worth it. Maybe this time I can break the lazy spell my mind falls under. Maybe the spell has held long enough. I'm hoping for a lot here. I'm hoping that I can hope. That I'm not just bullshitting myself. Because I see a lot of creatives doing that. They lie to themselves. We tell ourselves little lies all the time, because big realities are abound at all times. So life bears need for a little fantasy. But the goal is the same, express at all costs the self needing to get out. Even bad artist still impress me with the output they seem to have. That's an art in itself.

Minor Unfolding

You can bring yourself outside your comfort zone. To a place of unknown wonder. Marvel at the things that you havent seen. I would describe them but thats not possible. I havent been there. If you have send me a post card.

We can drain the pool of our mind to see whats sitting at the bottom. Its been there turning almost at the speed of the grass growing. What could have so much patience to make its stand like that? Everything else flows like the tide within this egg shaped cranium of mine.

I feel my fingers against the keys. Muddily making sentences. My fingers dont want to type anymore. My head wants to stop thinking. Wish it were that easy to stop this crazy train.

My creativity is linked to pain. I started writing because I didnt know what to do or where to turn. All the substances still drew me to wanting out. Some kind of out, didnt know how or where. If I played bass better then I might have been there. Instead my fingers can dance around this keyboard. Probably blind I could still manage. As long as the home row keys were prominent. I dont know if Id even want to write anymore, touch would be so much stronger. I wish Id have lived like that though. Ive taken in many deep breaths in places where I needed to take the moment in. I can say Ive lived within the moments Ive had, specific moments that really can only be described by the senses themselves. The velvet touch of a persons skin or the scent that infects the room as soon as they enter. But all those are memories. Phantom reality, feeling it even when its way passed gone. I guess I would write if I were blind, would be the utmost amount of pain at this point I can think of.

But you need pain. We all do. It builds you, just the ability to heal needs to be learned. After you pull yourself out and map how you can do that again you hopefully will. Almost keep a hair trigger on your ability to hold yourself together even when you've fallen apart. Have that joint standing by or that drink or that girl or that guy. Because we all break, perhaps we are all broken. But we all break its a matter of just time. No one can keep it up forever. I dont know if learning to climb out of my depression has made me stronger yet. The journey seems short. No matter what age you are my 28 years have felt long, Im sure its not going to get any shorter.

Breathe out, beathe in. Repeat because you have to, because if giving up were going to happen it would have already. If you made it to today you can make it to tomorrow, dont know if this is for the eyes reading or the mind unfolding.

Truly wasted

This is the first of what I hope to be many. What others follow depends solely on how easy it is to make these digital thoughts go from my head to the site. I'm hoping to be a better writer than web designer. Although this is a template but what isn't in this day and age. I believe in having a ton of outlets. I write in notebooks since I can remember. Always as if someone was going to read it. Always the performer. Im going to have a billions thoughts just blarted out onto this. Now that I think I've figured out how blogging kinda works, well in the html sense of the thing.

I wanted earlier to write a status about opening ones self up. Or rather centering ones self. I've always had it that I'm at war with myself. That I have to constantly keep myself locked inside a box in my head. I guess that's the addict part of myself. Addiction has been a pretty strong part of my life, not because I've been able to quell the demons but because I haven't. I may never. Control for me is something so loose that it barely has my attention. Right now my cheat that I'm having on my organic diet is a red bull, 20 oz red bull. I used to drink one or two a day. Haven't had one since a month or two, I had gone into a monster drink phase for a bit. Both are now not even a regular part of my cheating diet. I just needed the boost in my head tonight. Need to wade through thoughts. Which is to say Im trying to center myself. The addiction cycle would in its few and fleeting ways center me completely. When the caffeine hit and the bud was in the right moment all would disappear except the idea that was fighting its way out. Just finished the red bull, wish I had one more. But that's usual, its how I fight my cravings and desires. Id love to drink and smoke 24/7 and probably could again for a decent amount of years. It would catch up. Financially or physically. It always does. See how I cant center. How distracted this course gets. Yet there's a course to be taken. Roads that all I need to do is take a few steps down and the rest will all come easily. Meditation is scary to me, I don't want to fail at getting out of this mindset. I don't want to know that this is where I need to be right now. But days are being wasted. Truly wasted.

I cant open myself so I don't think I can close this. I don't know what this road of trying to write out my head is going to take me. If it takes me anywhere. Whatever may come, I am ready.