Humbleness

I learned to be apologetic, not humble. Its the way seemingly my family has existed. That they will be accountable for their actions but brashly do whatever the fuck they want. Im only humble when it suits the deal being made before me. Its a tactic, not a facet. Its how I feel about lving in the south here in the USA, many humble people. All colors and creeds. I always feel like Im being put on by them as my gut reaction. In some ways I am, we are, because that humbleness is a facet of the same various blends of personalities I encounter doing said deals. In NY for the most part those blends bend towards greed and goals. In the south its self preservation and inclination. Similar but vastly different in practice. One more ferocious than another. Its a place I need to learn to relax in. But my Brooklyn fences are always up, built in baseball bats with a nice sauce as the mortar.

I talk about humbleness because I need to learn some part of it. As a tactic, but I need to turn my view away from that idea and make it a habit. I guess thats what school aligns your mind to do, be humble and absorb what is being served to you. Many things I learned in school I still keep with me even though I have since found out many parts of history and science was taught wrong or was a bold lie. Mostly history, my sciences teachers might just have been not the best of instructors. I dont know the next step, while I feel strong about stepping forward I also feel strong about stepping back and looking at the whole thing as a big picture. Im doing nothing now as a result of not knowing how to continue on. Nothing worth doing is easy. Those words have been haunting me. What seems easy now compared to what seems hard are both creazy roads with their own sets of outcomes and setbacks. Instincts must be trusted. Because really if you lost everything else but your instincts you could survive fairly well. For a while. But while I have my wit and my head I should use it. Should make it something that works with me instead of parallel. I always feel like I need to understand my own head. Like trying to figure out what went wrong in a car accident. Its all foggy what both parties were thinking or doing when the crash happened. But its clear something went wrong and results are now in effect.

Nothing worth doing is easy. Is doing nothing easy? Are we so numb to keep doing nothing for so long til it breaks us as people? Reappropriate goals and move around ideas til it fits the world we want to be in or passively live in. Im passive because I dont think I care. I dont care if my heart beats one more time or I take another breath. I have longed for both those things to stop many times. Begged for it. Low and behold Im still breathing, heart still beating. I have sensed these patterns before. Have done what I felt and feel was the right decision after I acknowledged these feelings. It has led to me making worse decisions being maybe alittle young to go forth with a good decision. Now Im not the same boy, well maybe I am, alittle more grown up and far less support. Ive kinda of always been an all or nothing type soul. Its much easier for me to choose with a gun to my head than not. But maybe thats all people, Id hope it is. That depression and all its got a hold of isnt stronger than you. However itd be an easy out having someone else decide your fate. You can always blame it on someone else and be partially correct. Better than having your own blood on your hands for eternity. I dont know whats keeps me here, I dont know anymore. Choices need to be made and actions need to be taken. But the first step is the hardest. Every first step is the hardest, you almost have to be cold to yourself. Know that you cause pain, you want the pain. To grow. Growing hurts. I need to start caring again. Start somewhere. From the beginning or from the end.