Truly wasted

This is the first of what I hope to be many. What others follow depends solely on how easy it is to make these digital thoughts go from my head to the site. I'm hoping to be a better writer than web designer. Although this is a template but what isn't in this day and age. I believe in having a ton of outlets. I write in notebooks since I can remember. Always as if someone was going to read it. Always the performer. Im going to have a billions thoughts just blarted out onto this. Now that I think I've figured out how blogging kinda works, well in the html sense of the thing.

I wanted earlier to write a status about opening ones self up. Or rather centering ones self. I've always had it that I'm at war with myself. That I have to constantly keep myself locked inside a box in my head. I guess that's the addict part of myself. Addiction has been a pretty strong part of my life, not because I've been able to quell the demons but because I haven't. I may never. Control for me is something so loose that it barely has my attention. Right now my cheat that I'm having on my organic diet is a red bull, 20 oz red bull. I used to drink one or two a day. Haven't had one since a month or two, I had gone into a monster drink phase for a bit. Both are now not even a regular part of my cheating diet. I just needed the boost in my head tonight. Need to wade through thoughts. Which is to say Im trying to center myself. The addiction cycle would in its few and fleeting ways center me completely. When the caffeine hit and the bud was in the right moment all would disappear except the idea that was fighting its way out. Just finished the red bull, wish I had one more. But that's usual, its how I fight my cravings and desires. Id love to drink and smoke 24/7 and probably could again for a decent amount of years. It would catch up. Financially or physically. It always does. See how I cant center. How distracted this course gets. Yet there's a course to be taken. Roads that all I need to do is take a few steps down and the rest will all come easily. Meditation is scary to me, I don't want to fail at getting out of this mindset. I don't want to know that this is where I need to be right now. But days are being wasted. Truly wasted.

I cant open myself so I don't think I can close this. I don't know what this road of trying to write out my head is going to take me. If it takes me anywhere. Whatever may come, I am ready.